When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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