i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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