LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
