she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Randomize
