I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
