Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
