i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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