note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
