That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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