The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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