Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
