when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
