Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
