i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
