forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
