Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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