And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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