i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
