I want to have your abortion
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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