Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
