Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
