Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
