there's paper in my vomit.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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