Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
