I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Are we still banned from the library?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
