Having a random hookup so left but love u
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
