We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
