i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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