So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
