I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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