Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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