Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
