im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
