we made out on top of his cat.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
