He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize