did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
