Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
