Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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