Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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