I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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