wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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