god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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