So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
