Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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