He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
