I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
