I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
