you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
