I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
