Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
