Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize