I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
