I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
