So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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