all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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