he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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