She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
