If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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