I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
