How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
